Just another day

Today is an extremely hot, sunny and beautiful day; somewhere in the mid-nineties. Surprisingly, apart from the sweat factor, I’ve been pretty comfortable. I am not sure why, but my mood has been on a fiery roller-coaster, one minute I am calm, cool and collected, the other, I am sensitive and offended by everything and everyone (my poor husband). I don’t know if it’s the weather or if I’m a true victim of the injustices of this great life-I know I am mighty dramatic too, right? But, life for me lately has been this on and off, hot and cold emotional ride.

As I type, I am sitting in my AC chilled living room, eating yogurt and waiting for my husband to get home (to watch our daughter) so that I can go to the gym. I am tired from a long and hot day at work, but an evening workout with two of my great friends (one of whom is my sister), seems to give me enough energy to forge ahead, especially since there has been talk of getting some kind of ice-cream/frozen yogurt afterward.

Today has not been too exciting, so far, but I did accomplish a lot and that’s what I am extremely proud of. The goals that I set for my day will be completed, as soon as I post this blog, finish my workout, eat that ice-cream yogurt stuff, read a few pages in a few books, spend quality time with my little family, reflect on my day, consider tomorrow, say my prayers…WOW! This looks like a long night ahead. I think I kind of overwhelmed myself a bit- I never realized how much stuff I do in a few hours timeframe, and to top it off, I am still sleepy from this morning.

I also feel like I am coming down with a cold, my mildly sore throat from yesterday turned into nasal congestion and a day full of sneezing. The good things is, I don’t feel sick or rundown and I pray that I won’t. I am really boring myself with this post, but pressing past procrastination and actually sitting down and typing a post is a long overdue goal of mine, so this is a step in the “action” direction.

Fear Factor

photo

I enjoy sitting in front of this computer, but it seems I never have the time, but deep down, the truth is, there is time when I make time, and I have not been making time the way that I know I can. There are always thoughts and ideas running through my mind of what I can write about, but most times, these inspirations are suppressed by Fear. Fear has turned my dreams into a nightmare and Procrastination has been its sedative!  Day after day I awake with a heart filled with passion for things I would like to see happen in my life; publishing a book, becoming a certified Sign Language interpreter, starting a side business…and the list goes on. As the numbers of candles on my birthday cake go higher and higher it is clear that I am not getting any younger. Focus and motivation dance before me, like two blind flames relentlessly fighting in the dark; sometimes energized and ready to win and others, distracted by the desire to simply stay aflame.

There are many different kinds of fear that contend against me putting effort toward my goals, but it can all be summed up as the “Fear of the Unknown”-not knowing whether I will succeed or fail, lingers in the back of my mind. It’s hidden under almost every excuse and distraction and is often found in the basin of what appears to be progress and busyness. Procrastination is always moving, appearing to be active, but is never productive. It makes you feel as if you are making headway, but never renders any edible fruit or proof. In order to realize our goals, we have to pull Fear and Procrastination from the bowels of our thoughts and stare them in the face and create a counteractive plan.  It is not an easy thing to bring the subconscious to the forefront of our minds, so we must practice it. Routinely ask ourselves a few questions and evaluate what’s holding us back and then take steps in a progressive direction.

There are many things in my life that require my constant and loyal attention like my God, my family, my finances (employment) and some others. The loyal managing of these things can cause the other, more personal goals to be placed on the back burner, especially when there is the physical and mental need to rest. I know that taking care of myself is of utmost importance because if I don’t take care of myself, I may eventually  not be well enough to take care of anyone or anything else. But there also needs to be time and focus designated to step-by-step work on my other goals. It is this understanding that forces me to identify my Fear and push past Procrastination and at the very least, make the attempt toward achieving my goals-something that, I’m glad to report, I’ve already started. Stay tuned.

HOW ABOUT IT?

imageI had a great Fourth of July, with family, friends and strangers. Everything was great, the weather; the food and the  festivities. I’m not sure if this is considered complaining, but through all of today’s goodness, I can’t help but consider the various posts I saw on my social networks stating their ‘discontent’ with ‘Independence Day’ and what it represents. There were statements about slavery, racism, segregation, and the fact that Blacks were not free during Independence Day…etc-The statements are completely valid, so in no way am I downplaying or refuting the truth behind the information stated. What bothers me is that as a Black woman, who lives and has lived in ‘black neighborhoods’ all of my life, I feel like what’s the point of pointing the finger at other races for disparities and stereotypes that we perpetuate?

We sing and dance to music and many of the songs, sung/rapped by black men and women, have verses that are laced by the ‘N’ and ‘B’ words. Hooks, that repeated a degrading view of women and life. I wonder where are the posts that cry out against this type of esteem suicide? Where are the posts demanding better
representation?
We call each other all these crazy names and wonder why other people do it too? We laugh about it and treat it like it’s a cute thing to refer to another woman as ‘my B’.
Why are we demanding an apology from Paula Deen a million years later, but we justify the use of the ‘N’ word among ourselves (although it’s not limited there).
 I can’t blame the ‘white man’ for my brothers that I see grouped on the street corners at seven o’clock in the morning as I’m on my way to work, or for the school drop-out rate, legitimate inmate rate…etc
We as a people know and have been through a lot. And in today’s day and age, I feel like, ignorance is no longer an acceptable excuse. I dare not say that we are all counted as equals because there are numerous injustices that exist, (not only) for the black race, and since that’s the case, why not unify and continue the fight for equality? Some (of course not all) of us are working against our progress and I believe that forward movement continues with us.
They say, ‘charity begins at home’ well, what about it? How can we change our image? I refuse to believe that it’s too late or that we’ve gone too far, but the situation does look pretty bleak. To even speak out in this way is even taken as, being ‘too deep’ or causes one to be looked at as if he or she is crazy.  How can we change our image? What else can we do to get the message across, that we ourselves possess what it takes to clean up the polluted idea of who we are? And it starts with recognizing our role in where we are today. There’s a saying that states, ‘the only person you have the power to change is yourself’. We can’t concern ourselves with what others say about us, more than we do about what we say about ourselves because what we say about ourselves will reflect in our actions-hence the current crisis of our condition.
How about it?

A thought to seize the day

“The tragedy in devastation lies not in the event, but in the lack of a lesson learned.”
When I consider various life threatening or life taking occurrences around the world, whether it be natural disasters or personally dreadful events, I am touched at how it often leads many of us affected, to want to embrace life, love, God…etc. more diligently. It causes the deepest offenses of our hearts to fade away and leads us to reach out to those we’ve disconnected with. We begin to see how truly small and insignificant were the moments of anger and bitterness that we’ve held a deep grip to, sometimes for a very long time. Our minds grasp a realization of how impermanent not only are we, but are those around us.
But as time continues, we tend to forget the desperation and sobriety that clings to the unveiled frailty of life. We become once again comfortable in the probability of being the exception in death’s rule book. Careless are our days. Bitterness finds its way back into our hearts and distance regains its wedge between us and our God.
Tragedy comes in many sizes; it is often on a relatively small scale, but many times wide-spread. No matter the range, there is always a lesson to be learned. When confronted with devastation, we face reality at the foundation of asking ourselves, “Right now, what really matters?” Things that we hold in high importance are usually what we seek after or have regret about in our time of grief-hence, the rekindling or deepening of relationships with God and others.
With life, which is ever changing and situations that never stay the same, it is hard to keep the same fervor and intensity concerning things that are important to us. We should try to remember the things that will matter most to us at the end of the day and use that awareness to guide us in how we deal with our day to day situations and relationships. The next time we are faced with a challenge or difficulty, may we weigh out its true worth in our lives and allot adequate time and energy to it, then move on. May we hug our loved ones, extend grace to our enemies and complete the God-given tasks that we’ve been given.
The harsh reality is, we will not always have the time to get things “right”. Death does not always send a heads-up notification. Tragedy is often a reminder that death is not too far and that it respects no one. We will all one day have to give a response to death and eventually, “Not right now” won’t cut it.
In no way am I suggesting that we should we live in a bubble or in fear of things to come. I propose we try our best to live in love and appreciation of what matters most in life, which will cause the fear of death to lose its looming power. Should-have, could-have and would-have will all be dissolved at their roots, because opportunities will have been seized, indiscretions forgiven and love generously given.
As continued sojourners in Life’s journey, it is my hope that we can sustain our focus and give all that we have to give. What good is storing up love or an apology for a tomorrow that is never promised? No matter how short or long we live, we will all leave our stamp here on earth, but how deep and staining the impression- is usually up to us. So, be diligent in giving your all and not assuming that another time will come or for tragedy to reveal an already available opportunity.

20130416-203750.jpg

Aside

In a matter of days three world renowned deaths,
One sticks out in mind
Execution by hanging-seemingly a thought-a threat proclaimed against a fearless dictator
Seconds dwindled into fate and the pages of your life read, “The End”
I wonder, although your face was calm, what was in your mind?
You declined a mask to cover you, as you welcomed eternity,
Appearing ready and expecting to hear, “Well done” as you closed your eyes and breathed for the last time
Who were the men who prepared your body to take its eternal plunge? And what beats at their hearts this night? (Which in their time is really day)
This I wonder as I lay my head to sleep and they rise from slumber…
Vengeance is God’s, is He pleased?

Is God Pleased?

Untitled, written the night Saddam H. was executed!

Aside

I cried at my grandfather’s funeral, mourning not for the loss of life, but for precious memories that were never formed and infinitely severed ties between myself and my history

Now, a grown product of a man with different baby mommas, who 30 years later still blames our disconnect on, baby momma drama

Toward him I really desired to feel hate, I looked for it behind every broken promise, every unreplied text or ignored call, sometimes I wish to have never loved him at all

To find like many others, solace in, ‘I can’t miss what I never really had,’ but instead of having just a father, I wanted a dad

To him I forgave for walking away to claim kids that he did not even experience the pleasure of creating while leaving my heart begging, praying and waiting for a love that should have been rightfully mine, an act summed up as another waste of time

What’s greater, the intensity of love or the bondage of hate? Or to create a child with no desire to participate?

As roots take place and grow, becoming one day un-remorsed and unable to be controlled a vicious cycle- only imagining the unknown

Based on the physics of a present reality, creating in the mind a possibility, a might have been, or a maybe,

I could be the descendant of a slave or perhaps from the line of a builder of the Panama Canal

But some things I’ve resolved to never know

Father, Untitled

Aside

Layers and layers of people we encounter moment by moment, Oh, for the secret thoughts and battles of the mind to be revealed. . .

The real you, the real me padded and primmed, tucked and trimmed; gently covered like knees under church doilies, clasped like staunch prayer fingers aiding in the request for deliverance from condemned temptations, but, “The Lord looketh at the heart”…

Uncovered

Wisdom (simple thought)

James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”

 

If we ask God for Wisdom concerning our day to day encounters and experiences, we will have a better perspective on how we should respond to people and situations. Wisdom gives insight to the purpose of things that happen. Knowing the purpose of things that happen leads to endurance and endurance leads to victory.

Wisdom->Purpose->Endurance->Victory